Suffocating

*Sigh*

Things aren’t going so well on the writing scale for me. Or any scale again.

It’s day eight into NaNo and I only have 4.2k written; and now I will be gone for three days.

4k below par.

About to be 6k below par by Sunday night more than likely. 7k by Monday because I doubt I’ll have time to write Sunday either.

With a whole host of other things demanding my attention as well. Things that I do not have enough hours in a day, days in the week (off work at least), or weeks in the month for.

I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged. Scrambling on a ship that’s sinking fast.

And it’s not just being so far behind on word count for NaNo that’s stressing me out. It’s the fact I’m two entries behind on my camping journal, about to be three behind. And that I’ve got only a couple weeks to be totally cleaned and ready for a yard sale while trying to cramp in work, and writing, and blogging.

I missed blogging. I missed writing. I missed my computer. Really, I did.

But now that I have one again…

Everything that didn’t weigh down on my shoulders during that two months is suddenly pressing harder than before. Or maybe that’s because everything has come all at once now, and I have no breathing room.

What sucks the most though is I finally got to the scene in Fated to Darkness I’ve been whining about for two months because I so badly wanted to write it. I’m right there now! And suddenly it feels like a chore to write. It feels like I’m pulling teeth. Like I’ve lost the motivation and excitement I had a week ago for it.

And it’s irking me. It’s frustrating and irritating. It’s discouraging. It hurts. It’s making me feel like I’m drowning and suffocating. It’s making me want to scream and punch something.

Because I should still be excited for this scene. I should be giggling and smiling and bouncing in my chair as I write. But instead I’m sighing and choking on emotions while I pull my hair out.

Is it because I’m overwhelmed? Is it because I haven’t written in two months that I lost all flow? Then again, I did 3k easily the first day back in writing, and now suddenly it’s like I’ve hit a brick wall out of literal thin air. It’s not even a boring scene, for moon’s sake! It’s action packed and a huge turning point!

So why the hell did I suddenly just stop? Completely stop. Ground to a halt where I seem to be looking at a wall too high to vault or climb.

Was it because I hardly accomplished my list of to do’s on my two days off before work and a weekend trip? Is that making everything press down harder? But then why can’t I force myself to push forward? To pull an all nighter or as late as I can manage to get caught up? Why does it suddenly feel so hard?

That’s all I want to know. Why is all I want to know.

Maybe if I knew that answer, I could figure out how to get back on track before I fall even further behind.

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2 thoughts on “Suffocating

  1. Why? Because it’s a vicious cycle. Or downward spiral. Pick your shape; either way it goes like this:
    you have too much to do
    so you don’t know what to do first
    so you don’t do anything
    and then there’s more stuff to do
    but you’ve been busy not doing the first stuff
    and then a deadline (or two or twenty) creeps in
    and then you do nothing faster

    Like

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