Five More Days

Five more days.

There’s just five more days left to the first Camp NaNoWriMo of 2017.

Remember on Friday I had said I had a huge writing sprint of 8.2k words and had caught up to par and even surpassed it again, even finishing the chapter I was on? Remember that I was excited and confident that I’m oh so close to the end now?

Heh, yeah, I’m not excited anymore. And I’m no longer at par. Once again I’m 2k below, and my odds of getting any word count added until possibly Saturday or Friday night is slim to nothing.

*Sigh*

It’s been a rough weekend, and yesterday started five days of work hell. (Our assistant manager is on vacation which leaves three of us to run the store, and more hours than I want because of NaNo.) What makes it even worse is all the shifts I got are the long ass early afternoon till close. The shifts I don’t ever get a damn thing done at home with. Why I get all the closing shifts and the other keyholder gets all the openings is beyond me. I don’t see how that’s fair but whatever.

I am ending up with one opening shift instead of five straight days of closing, only because they needed to switch shifts with me due to previous commitments that were overlooked. But switching the shift also leaves me with even more hours, as well as two long ass back to back close and open shifts that always kill me.

So, yeah, I’m not expecting to get any words written until Friday or Saturday, which then leaves me three days — not even — to write 6,811 words.

I know it’s doable for me if I can do 8k in a day, but I also know from experience by Friday I am going to be so worn out that my motivation and energy to write is probably going to be non-existent. Which means Saturday will pretty much be a bust day more than likely, and I’ll have to write all that on Sunday.

And did I mention there might have to be some other things I do that weekend to help get ready because there are only three free weekends before the camping season starts for me.

In other words, I’m starting to worry, and stress — more than I already am over too much shit, and panic.

Five more days, and 6,811 more words.

And four more work days of hell. If they’re anything like how yesterday’s shift went, I am done.

It’s not just the stress and frustration dragging me down on writing again either. I started the final chapter to Fated to Darkness on Sunday — not the Epilogue, but the final number chapter — and I could see it in my head as this tension-filled, edge of the seat, drama and action extravaganza. I could see it perfectly right after I had finished Chapter 40 last week, when I was on a roll.

I should have said fuck sleep and kept going when I was on the roll last week.

This chapter is…sucking now.

It feels like I’m pulling teeth and everything feels almost…fake. There’s no real tension to it, I can’t even tell where the damn dialogue is going. I’m essentially drowning in this chapter and not getting where I wanted it to be. It doesn’t have an ounce of the bang I wanted, and I want to rip my hair out and throw it across the room.

Quite honestly, I want to just skip it and go write the Epilogue, but I don’t do that.

Maybe it’s the last few horrible days getting to me that has stunted how the chapter was supposed to go. Maybe I’m writing crap because my emotions are crap right now.

I don’t know, but the frustration and lack of excitement to it now is certainly not helping the fact I’m running out of time to get the NaNo win.

I’ll be glad when this week is over. I think I’ll be glad when NaNo is over, too, and I don’t normally say that. And I’m about ten seconds away from just hitting delete on his post instead of publish. Am I just ranting instead of talking about NaNo and writing because I’m fed up and have no one to talk to?

Could’ve, Should’ve…Didn’t

How do you write a blog post when you have absolutely nothing writing related to talk about?

The answer is I don’t know, but I guess I’ll figure it out as I go because that’s exactly what I’m doing right now.

You would think that because I’ve had the last four straight days off work that I should have a ton of words written and be done with Fated to Darkness and have moved onto Clockwork Heart. You would think that I should have done 20k or more in these past four days and be close to goal, or upping it.

But no. You would be wrong.

Very, very wrong.

Four straight days off. FOUR! And I haven’t written a single word.

Why? Why, me? Why do you do this to yourself?

It’s Camp NaNo. You are supposed to be WRITING.

(Yes, I am yelling at myself.)

*Sigh*

In my defense — or maybe this is my excuse, which, *slaps self*, bad me! — it has been a fairly busy four days. Saturday was spent catching up on everything I didn’t finish the beginning of that week thanks to holiday madness. Sunday was Easter of course which meant spending time with family and apparently it also meant coming home sick that night with a splitting migraine. Monday was a friend’s birthday so that meant I had to spend time with them, and I was still feeling a bit iffy that morning. And today…

I don’t know what happened to all of today. I think I pretty much screwed my own morning and afternoon. The evening was spent at the hair dresser where I got my first ever coloring. (I got highlights, and it’s amazing how stunned every single hairdresser was I had never done any coloring with my hair before. I was like a star. LOL) But let me just say… AHH! I love it!

*Clears throat*

Anywho, as I was saying…

My four days off were pretty much screwed. I know I should have had writing time in every single one of them, but it just…didn’t happen. (Well, except maybe for Easter.) I guess I really am just making up excuses now, because I know I should have been writing Saturday night after I finished things and settled down, and if I had been up a bit early on Easter I could have written something before leaving and ending up sick the rest of the night. Monday I could have done some writing before I went to bed, and today I should have done some before my hair appointment.

I could have, I should have on all accounts, and I…didn’t.

I’ve pretty much completely failed at Camp NaNo this time around.

You know what the really scary and disappointing bit to this is though?

Facebook does those “on this day so-and-so years ago” memory posts and do you know how many words I had last year in April on the 11th?

40,131 words. Forty thousand, one hundred and thirty-one words.

In just over a week I had managed 40k last year.

This year?

*Snorts*

I’ve just barely broken 13k and we’re almost three full weeks into this month. It’s half over already! And I’m below par by 5k, about to be 6k at midnight. I haven’t written a word in a week.

Like…

What the hell happened to me?

Did I just completely and utterly fall apart this time around, or… ??????

Like… GAH!

I don’t even know anymore.

The good news is I have one more day off before I go back to work, which means if I really light a fire under my ass, I can pull off probably 8k words easily, especially if I write a lot before I crash tonight too. And I’m pretty sure there’s someone who can light the match for me… The same person who is already glaring at me from the virtual world, and threatening me playfully in a way that I can’t tell if its bluffing or not — and I’m not sure I want to find out, and who also may or may not be ready to chase me with a sword as my Muse instead of the ever so popular…

writing muse

Okay, well, maybe not chase me. That would defeat the purpose of sitting and writing, but the gun in that photo might turn into a sword instead pretty soon. Or a whip. Or… Yeah, I’m going to stop imagining what she might have the capability of pulling out to make me write. I really can’t tell if she’s bluffing. LOL.

The bad news is as of right now my “At This Rate You Will Finish On” date is May 12th, I need an average of 1.3k words a day to win on time, I won’t be bumping my goal up anymore this month like I had hoped, and after this last day off I will essentially be screwed the rest of the month because our assistant manager will be going on vacation now, which again means more flipping hours I don’t want right now.

Go. Figure.

Nothing like a closing in deadline and running out of time to make me write, right?!

…..

Gods I hope so. This novel was supposed to be done in the first week of NaNo.

Falling in the Black

Camp is…sucking.

And right now that’s putting it lightly.

So far nothing this month has really gone to plan, or even close to how I had hoped it would. The last several days are no exception to that trend.

Exhaustion has been my constant companion since Tuesday’s work shift. I have trudged through the last several days with bleary, burning eyes and a complete lack of focus in most times. Somehow I’ve managed to not royally screw anything up in my exhaustion, but I’ve definitely done and said some delirious things.

Thursday was supposed to be a day off for me, and I was looking forward to it because I could hopefully sleep and try to get somewhere on Camp again. And then… Walking into work on Wednesday morning changed everything, again. For once I can’t blame it on my boss, but I can attribute this one to my DM (District Manager).

Apparently him and my boss held a conversation something along the lines of this before I came in that day:

DM: How are you doing for Easter? How is payroll? Do you need more hours to bring more people in?

My boss: We’re in good shape.

DM: What about payroll? Do you need extra hours? What are [Daelyn’s] hours like this week?

My boss: About 30.

DM: Take another 10-15 hours and give her another day.

*Sigh* Thanks, man. I so wanted an extra day. Not.

At the very least, my boss let me choose which day I wanted to work — Thursday or Saturday. I definitely did not want to work Saturday knowing how much madness THAT was going to be, so I took Thursday and screwed over every plan I had once more. Unfortunately, I also ended up with a longer shift today thanks to those extra hours our DM gave us.

So not only was I disgruntled over that the rest of Wednesday, that night looking at my email I also received some bad news that I feared hearing one day. I’m not going to go into it yet — I don’t have the heart or decision to talk about it yet — although I will have to eventually because it does involve my publishing. I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty upset and stressed over the news. I feel like a fish out of water, uncertain and worried.

As a result of those extra hours, exhaustion, and now more stress, I’ve finally fallen below par for Camp. Yesterday I was only 13 words above par, and since I didn’t manage to write anything in my bleary-eyed state, I’ve officially fallen below as of today.

I know I’m not going to get anything written today with work, and right now I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go. There’s other things I need to address now.

The bad news also shook my enthusiasm for writing, and its taken my heart out of it right now. In a way, it affects the tentative plans I had for Clockwork Heart, the other novella I was going to work on this month. The one I wanted to finish and release this year. But now…

Now I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do with it again. For the second time this year. (It’s like the universe is trying to make me doubt myself, and it’s working.)

Right now I guess all I can do is force myself to write for Camp and figure out what options I have left, but that doesn’t bring back my motivation and confidence, that doesn’t help me make a decision. A decision I don’t have all the time in the world to think over and make. A decision I really don’t want to make during Mercury’s Retrograde, but will have to.

None of this now is going to help me figure out where I’m going from here. I think I’ll be lucky if I make my Camp goal this month, no upping it this time. Or if I find my heart for writing again. I can’t even honestly describe what I’m feeling and thinking now. I’m falling in the black.

Struggling Already

Well that plan I had to stay on track for NaNoWriMo during work days hasn’t worked out. Wait… Did I even mention said plan in Tuesday’s post? Or am I just thinking I did when in reality I really said it to a friend yesterday and I just can’t remember which one I really did? (I swear that made sense in my head.)

Since I can’t remember when and how I mentioned it, I’ll say it again, or, ah, for the first time here. Whichever it is.

(Excuse my incoherent babbling and easy confusion, I’m exhausted off my ass. I feel like a walking zombie. I think I’ve had a total of about 10 hours of sleep since Tuesday morning now. Again.)

What was I talking about again?

Oh, right, the plan for writing on work days that I can’t remember if I said or not. Yes, that plan.

So on Tuesday I mentioned I had the first day of NaNoWriMo off and then I worked four in a row. I’ve gotten through three of those four days and by the Gods has it been non-stop running like a chicken with no head. I’ve been exhausted since Wednesday morning when I got up for the first shift, and it hasn’t gotten any better.

Wednesday’s are bad days period for me, especially if I have to work the morning because I also have horseback riding at night and I also have a Shard to write those days. First of all, I didn’t get to bed Tuesday night until probably about 3:30am. (It could have been a little bit earlier but Facebook was being a royal arse in the final moments that would have allowed me to go to bed a little bit earlier. Go flipping figure.) So by the time I was asleep, I got three hours of really disorienting sleep before my alarm was waking me up for work.

That shift was crazy busy and exhausting because our warehouse and corporate is a bunch of marble-less morons. (One of these days I’m going to write a blog post of just retail experience/bullshit and it is going to be hilarious.) I got home with just enough time to change and rush out the door for riding, even though I was quite sure I could have fallen asleep on my horse. It was a quicker lesson than normal — not everyone in my group was there — which was nice so I got home earlier. But by the time I got all settled at night to start writing, I could hardly keep my eyes open. They were burning and irritated, still are three days later, and I could barely focus.

So on the very first day of work shifts, I was already burned out enough that I knew 1.5k words was not happening before midnight. In which case, I settled and was happy if I made it to 6k, which was another 600 words. I managed that.

I tried to go to bed earlier Wednesday night in hopes I’d make up some of the loss of sleep, and, yeah, no, I should have known better. Took me an hour and a half to fall asleep and I woke up twice in the middle of the night. By the time my alarm went off again for another morning shift I had gotten probably five hours of sleep in which didn’t make a damn difference to my exhausted state. I still felt just as tired waking up as I did going to bed.

Yesterday’s shift felt even longer than Wednesday’s and by the time I was home, I had a decision to make on when the hell I was going to sleep next, because, guess what? I worked at fecking 5am today!

Since I was still exhausted, I tried to nap in hopes it would help enough that I could manage to stay up and write through the night, head to work, then come home and crash for a couple hours nap again.

Well, the nap didn’t work as you can probably guess. I laid in bed for an hour and a half before saying screw it and gave up. And I didn’t sleep last night because every time I have this damn shift, trying to go to bed for at least an hour or two makes me so disoriented and actually sick to my stomach that I just can’t do it anymore. (I swear these shifts are killing me.)

So I didn’t sleep, but did I get any words written?

Of fecking course not.

Not only was I still too exhausted to properly function, but my mind and want to write was nowhere close to me. It was an awful night. I managed one sentence yesterday. Just one. One measly cheating sentence just so I could update word count and say I wrote something. I feel so pathetic.

I had wanted 1.5k yesterday, too, or more. Then today I would have settled for just 1k after that ungodly shift. So in these last three days I should have had 4k all together, and how much have I written?

600 words. I’ve done 600 words.

I need another 643 words in the next four hours to stay on par, and I can still barely focus straight. I managed a two hour nap earlier, but it hasn’t really done much good.

And I still have one more shift to go, which is of course another morning shift. I’m so ready for Sunday when I’m off. I’m so ready for next week, where I have a shorter week, and not a single morning shift. And thank the Gods today was the last 5am shift I’ll have for the next two months!

Now I just have to figure out how the hell I’m staying on par for today and tomorrow. Somehow I need to try to manage 2.5k words in four hours to help put me back on track. Somehow…

It’s not a good sign when in the first five days of NaNoWriMo you’re already struggling to stay afloat. Here’s hoping I can make up that word cushion again next week and not lose it like I just did this time.

Uncooperative

I’ve come to the conclusion that my posts this month hardly have anything to do with NaNo this month and it’s irking the hell out of me. I miss my rants and excitement of Camp stories I have to share during these months. Sadly, this post isn’t going to be much better, though.

My characters are not cooperating. People are not cooperating with me. Work is not cooperating. And… Let’s just say life is not cooperating with me again, nor is time.

Then again, when does time ever cooperate with our plans?

So I was giddy excited for the next chapter I was about to start, and I didn’t want to stop writing. Work and the unfortunate need for sleep got in the way of that. And when I finally got a chance to start writing it…

A certain character is not cooperating as I would have liked. It started out pulling teeth in this new chapter because they weren’t saying anything I needed them to say to get the reaction I needed out of my MC. It’s finally starting to pull together, but it’s not as exciting right now as I thought it would be if it was just flowing smoothly.

I’m more or less swearing at them repeatedly right now.

I had every intention of writing after work yesterday, along with other things, and that turned into a huge bust. (It wasn’t a good day.) Today isn’t going much better yet, and I have to be back at work tonight.

I’m not overly worried about it, I’m less than 3k away from hitting my 31k goal. I would love to have 40k instead for the month, but there’s a lot getting in my way. I’m starting to feel the stress again because I’m getting nowhere fast once more.

That whole Plan of Action I mentioned in the past weeks? Yeah… It’s crumbling apart fast again. The stress is getting to the point I want to say “screw it all” and call everything off I had planned.

But I know I can’t do that, and I also know it’s only going to get worse as the deadlines sneak up.

Part of this falling apart problem is that I know I’m just exhausted lately. It’s also the fact I’m working a lot more again. Barely sleeping. And then there’s the whole I got used to more than one day of alone time in the past two months for my little introvert heart and now that’s gone sooo…

Yeah, it doesn’t help the stress, and it only builds irritation and more exhaustion. I keep saying I need to go crawl into a hole of solitude for a day. Or a week. Maybe longer. Definitely longer. Oh how I wish I lived alone sometimes.

But unfortunately, I won’t have another day off until next Wednesday, and guess what? I don’t even get that day alone! *Sigh* I do so much better in everything when I get to be alone so much more.

Which, by the looks of it, I’m not going to have that for awhile again. The world around me better start bracing for this introvert to blow a gasket soon. I may be quiet and shy and seemingly calm, but my angry side would scare you.

Suffocating

*Sigh*

Things aren’t going so well on the writing scale for me. Or any scale again.

It’s day eight into NaNo and I only have 4.2k written; and now I will be gone for three days.

4k below par.

About to be 6k below par by Sunday night more than likely. 7k by Monday because I doubt I’ll have time to write Sunday either.

With a whole host of other things demanding my attention as well. Things that I do not have enough hours in a day, days in the week (off work at least), or weeks in the month for.

I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged. Scrambling on a ship that’s sinking fast.

And it’s not just being so far behind on word count for NaNo that’s stressing me out. It’s the fact I’m two entries behind on my camping journal, about to be three behind. And that I’ve got only a couple weeks to be totally cleaned and ready for a yard sale while trying to cramp in work, and writing, and blogging.

I missed blogging. I missed writing. I missed my computer. Really, I did.

But now that I have one again…

Everything that didn’t weigh down on my shoulders during that two months is suddenly pressing harder than before. Or maybe that’s because everything has come all at once now, and I have no breathing room.

What sucks the most though is I finally got to the scene in Fated to Darkness I’ve been whining about for two months because I so badly wanted to write it. I’m right there now! And suddenly it feels like a chore to write. It feels like I’m pulling teeth. Like I’ve lost the motivation and excitement I had a week ago for it.

And it’s irking me. It’s frustrating and irritating. It’s discouraging. It hurts. It’s making me feel like I’m drowning and suffocating. It’s making me want to scream and punch something.

Because I should still be excited for this scene. I should be giggling and smiling and bouncing in my chair as I write. But instead I’m sighing and choking on emotions while I pull my hair out.

Is it because I’m overwhelmed? Is it because I haven’t written in two months that I lost all flow? Then again, I did 3k easily the first day back in writing, and now suddenly it’s like I’ve hit a brick wall out of literal thin air. It’s not even a boring scene, for moon’s sake! It’s action packed and a huge turning point!

So why the hell did I suddenly just stop? Completely stop. Ground to a halt where I seem to be looking at a wall too high to vault or climb.

Was it because I hardly accomplished my list of to do’s on my two days off before work and a weekend trip? Is that making everything press down harder? But then why can’t I force myself to push forward? To pull an all nighter or as late as I can manage to get caught up? Why does it suddenly feel so hard?

That’s all I want to know. Why is all I want to know.

Maybe if I knew that answer, I could figure out how to get back on track before I fall even further behind.

Grinding to a Halt

That pretty much sums up how things have been going for me since a week ago.

Between work and other things going on last week I had no time to do anything, then I ended up sick a day later and got screwed over even more on that piling to do list I have.

It wouldn’t have been too much of an issue because I was better by my last lucky day off to recover that I could have done some things, and I knew I was getting off work early enough today that I could have gotten things done, and then…

Then everything just came to a sliding halt and those plans were screwed over as well. Another road block came slamming down in my way.

My room has once more become a cluttered mess and I’ve fallen far behind on the roll I had going before all this happened. I can’t even do anything about it right now or it’s just going to cause more stress and tempers than it’s worth.

I really had been on a roll, too…

I was keeping up with my camping journal schedule I set myself for the overdo entries I had to write. I was hashing out a few thousand words a week at my novel. The desk was staying organized. I was crossing things off the to do list. I was in good shape because I was actually finding myself with some spare time.

And now one week of mishap and I’m five miles behind with no idea when I’ll have peace and solitude to get back to what I need to do. It probably means I’m not going to keep up with my timeline of what I wanted done this month.

S.O.S! Please Send Energy!

I’ve had absolutely no energy or motivation the past couple days.

Work has killed me the past two weeks with barely any time off. And this week, and next week, isn’t going to be any easier. It’s been one sporadic day off here and there with long shifts and even back to back shifts that really kill me.

I have been drained in more ways than one lately. Mentally from everything going on, emotionally because things aren’t working out very easily and my temper is short, and physically because I am exhausted.

Last week I had finally managed to make that shopping trip for some editing things, but since then I haven’t made a move to work on it.

I’ve gotten myself back into writing more, at least. I was making headway on a 15k deficit. (At least, I think it was 15k before. I forget, the days are blurring together working so much.) Or, I was making headway until yesterday when work really left me drained.

I had gotten myself down to an 11k deficit, and even if I just held at that same deficit on the days I worked, I was happy. It meant I wasn’t falling any further behind.

Except, I was so tired that I didn’t get any writing done yesterday. Everything hurt, I couldn’t focus, I was just ready to collapse. Today I finally had a day off, and I’ve totally blew it.

I’m still exhausted, and being so drained gave me a headache for half of the day. I didn’t want to do any work or running around knowing work was just going to be the same thing the next couple days again.

So, it’s ten o’clock, and I’m only now sitting down to do some things. This post being one of them. I had wanted to get caught up on what is now a 12k deficit — and may be a 13k by the end of the night, depending on what happens. I had hoped for at least three or four thousand words today to put me into single digits on the deficit. I could have made up the rest and made goal for the month if I did that.

But now… I’m not so sure of what’s going to happen.

I hate when I do this, but I need more than one day off to have any motivation. Let alone to have the energy I need. Yeah, I know, I’m still young, I shouldn’t have a problem with that. But when you’re an introvert and you work in retail…

Ha! Forget having energy.

And in retail, from here on out is the holiday season. The madness of so many things going on at once, already getting ready for those Black Friday and Christmas shoppers, has begun. (I don’t want to hear one word about either of those holidays anytime soon!) The end of September, beginning of October is the start of it when things switch so quickly in the store and the amount of product we get becomes never ending. This year is going to be even harder on me since it’s my first holiday season as a manager.

I’m not looking forward to this. I wish I was back on freight crew, but I screwed myself there.

Needless to say, I’m hoping I get some things done bit by bit on the days I work, then hopefully have a productive day Friday when I’m off again. Although, I’ve got two long shifts in the next two days so I might be drained again.

Tomorrow is Mabon, though, so I’m hoping I have some energy for things. Plus, I want to stop at Michael’s and see what goodies they have up for Halloween. Maybe that’ll get my spirits and energy up. It normally does for this girl…

Changes

Things have been kind of stressful for me since Friday. A lot has gone on that’s left a lot on my mind.

For one, all the things I had fallen behind on I have not yet caught up on, and at this rate I’m probably going to abandon catching up on them.

Again.

Two, a lot is about to change for me and it’s got me nervous and edgy. Lost in my own thoughts lately, weighing out pros and cons, worrying and wondering if I’ve made a right decision. Or if I’m just fearing the unknown and going out of my comfort zone and what I’ve become accustomed too.

Who knows?

It’s going to be a lot going on at once in the next couple weeks. I’m hoping desperately that I can keep up with everything I’m trying to do, along with adding some more things to it as well. There’s only two weekends left until I start camping again too so that’s adding to my work load as well as I need to get ready for that.

Mainly, I need to get my camping journal and everything else set up for it. Not to mention help clean the camper and get it ready.

My desk and room has once more gotten out of control and is in dire need of cleaning.

It’s just…

ERG.

I need to find a way to balance myself and all the changes and such that are about to come my way. Something I’m not entirely sure on how to do. My novel has been nagging at me in the back of my head too, telling me to get back to work on it. Something that is becoming increasingly tempting, though I still know I need to get some notes written down for it.

Not to mention I’ve been wanting to write an entry in my journal to try to sort out some of my thoughts from the past weekend.

Maybe I’ll do those things tonight, and hopefully try to straighten up my desk and room.