Finding My Way: An Apology and an Explanation

It’s been weeks since I’ve posted anything, and for that I apologize to my followers who pay attention to most or all of my posts. The last few weeks — month is more like it — have been really rough, and to be completely honest, I lost my will and passion for a lot of things. For awhile my mantra was “what’s the point?” because I just…didn’t care. I was really down and defeated, for reasons I still don’t fully comprehend and understand.

To a degree, it’s still rough right now and every day is a constant battle with myself and life. I am far from perfect, and I have a lot of demons inside that tear me down. Sometimes I’m winning the war against them, but a lot of the time I’m losing. I can’t say it’s over and I’m back in full swing here, because I know it’s not over. This right now is a break in the overwhelming storm clouds, and I’m holding onto the ray of light shining through. There’s still a high possibility some days there will be no post even though there should be, and I hope that you’ll bear with me and care enough to stick around despite the chances of sporadic posts.

To be totally honest again, I haven’t done any writing in weeks.

I don’t think I can call it writer’s block, even though when I try to write I am staring at a blank page and a blinking curser. It’s not a writing block per say, it’s a…motivation block. It’s another I lost my will and passion to write, as well as my motivation to reach the goals I set out. Part of it may also be no inspiration right now, no creative juices flowing when there’s so much else weighing me down.

Whatever it really is holding me back, it’s hindered a lot more than writing, but I won’t get into that and spare you the dreary details. This is just something I have to figure out on my own this time, and I know it’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to come over night unfortunately.

On the other side of things, there’s a small beacon of hope and motivation bobbing on the horizon after weeks of oblivion. I’m trying to  chase it and catch it in my hands before it can disappear, but it’s a fickle thing and is easily snuffed out.

I’ve been thinking a lot of how I can keep my motivation, how I can push to keep my follow through from, well, falling through, and there is one thing I’ve finally come to realize that may help me.

There’s all these author’s posts I see popping up on Facebook lately — some I know and others I don’t — of them getting excited over new releases of theirs, throwing release parties and giveaways, and just all around joy to have typed the words ‘The End’ on another novel. When I see them I find myself wondering how they do it. How can they put out these novels so quickly, and so…easily it seems? Especially when I struggle so much on mine.

When I think of that and read their elation in their posts I remember my first taste of pure elation to publishing news. That first taste that I will never forget was the email that read Embermyst had been accepted for the anthology last year in August. I will never forget the overwhelming joy that coursed through me, the smile I couldn’t wipe from my face for days, the squealing, screaming, laughing I did out of excitement, or the tears of happiness. It is by far one of the best days of my life, and I have very few of them.

So when I see these author’s posts, and I remember my own elation from months ago, a desire suddenly begins to grow rapidly within. A desire that is so easily lost and stunted that if I don’t grab hold at the first prick of sensation, it will slip away again into the darkness of self doubt and despair.

It’s the desire that screams at me “I want that to be me next time”. I want that post, that elation to be me again. I want to be able to scream to the world I finished a novel, or another story. I want to be able to shout from the rooftops that I managed to push through the hard work of editing and am ready to send it off in hopes of getting another acceptance letter or email. I want to be able to plan a release party and actually build a fan base where people will show their support of my writing and be as excited as me about the release because they want to read it. I want to be able to hold my published book in my hands and be able to tell myself “I. Did. It.”.

That is all I want. That is my only dream anymore. So when I see those posts, and I feel that desire, suddenly I want to write again. If I don’t sit down and write right then and there, that desire starts to trickle away and I struggle once more to pick myself back up and do the work.

How then, can I find a way to replicate that sense of determination and purpose? How can I turn that split second of motivation into something that lasts and carries me through the hard work and self doubt? How do I turn that into my beacon of hope in which I can pull myself through the darkness with all the way to the light?

Those…are unfortunately the answers I don’t have yet. Just thinking about it helps a little, but it’s not the same as that first initial reaction to reading one of those posts.

As part of my Path, I know there is balance in life. That nothing is strictly one way or the other, but instead many shades of grey. Yin and Yang. Without balance there is chaos. I have been unbalanced for a long time now, in many forms, but only recently have I finally accepted that. I spent so much time trying to stay one way, trying to stay this person I wanted to be, that I ended up ignoring what yanks me away from that fantasy and dismissed it. For in a way, it was a fantasy, an illusion. Like I was living a lie. In reality, I should have never dismissed what my instinct was trying to tell me, but I was too afraid to listen, too desperate to finally feel okay and mean it to face those harsh and ugly truths screaming at me.

Part of me knows the only way I’m going to find the answer to my questions is if I find my balance again. I had it once for the first time in my life, years and years ago, but it was shattered not long after I found it. Except, finding that balance is a lot easier said than done, and it’s something only I can do. Perhaps there will be spots of guidance along the way, but ultimately only I can walk this path to find my answers. I can’t have the outside world muffling what’s inside me trying to speak.

Maybe this all sounds like a whole lot of spiritual mumbo jumbo, maybe it sounds cheesy and fake to you or even cliché. But I’m not you, and you aren’t me. To each their own, they say.

Some days will be harder than others. Some days I may fight with my final burst of strength for the day and I still won’t come out victorious against the demons when I close my eyes to sleep. Other days I may be able to move mountains and scare off the demons as if I am the Devil himself they fear.

This is me right now, but I don’t want it to be me forever. I just have to find my way.

It will not be swift when the war finally ends, it will be a long and tedious journey with steps forward and retreats backward. It will not be easy in any sense, it will be a battle well fought. But then again, they do say the things that are worth it in the end are never easy.