Starting Over

What do you do when everything you’ve planned for and accounted for happening absolutely flops?

Simple. You start from scratch again with a new approach and a new vision.

For most people the thought of starting over is terrifying. Myself included. It sounds simple, to start over, but it’s anything but simple. Starting over means any ground you’ve gained is gone, right?

Not necessarily.

At the new year I promised myself I was going to get back on track with many things. Some in more easily manageable ways than previous years. This blog for starters. In the beginning of this journey I posted three to four times a week. I joined in the Snippet Sunday blog hop group every week, I tried to write updates and other tidbits every Tuesday and Friday, and I tried to keep up with P.T. Wyant’s Wednesday Words flash fiction prompts. Since I started working full time with crazy hours a few years back this blog started to fall by the wayside, and with it went my writing.

So, this year I promised myself something smaller to get back into the game. I promised myself that this year my goal — at least in regards to this blog — was simply to post once a week, at any point in the week. (I try to stay away from Sunday’s and Saturday’s though.) It didn’t matter what I was posting either. I just had to make one blog post a week. As much as I miss the Snippet Sunday group and would love to join that again, too, I know I’m not ready to jump back into the mix. At least not until there is more coherent and stable writing going on in my life again.

But, as you guys can tell by the little calendar to the right, I haven’t exactly kept that promise to myself thus far. I missed the last two weeks in posting anything at all. I can make excuses for why I missed all I want. I forgot, the work week was too busy, I was too exhausted, college got in the way, blah blah blah. . . But it doesn’t change the fact I broke my promise to myself.

However, it also doesn’t mean I’m a complete failure. Life happens. Shit happens. A lot. I get that more now than I have in previous years of starting over. Did you know that if your goal is to form a new habit it actually takes an average of sixty-six days to integrate it into your routine successfully? No wonder I always fall apart after NaNo months! That’s only thirty or thirty-one days. I need two months, bare minimum, to make that habit stick. Or any habit for that matter.

Along with that habit tidbit I learned something else this year. One night last month while joining a meditation group (the New Leaf Meditation Project — great group, by the way) I was shown a new perspective that has since kept me thinking: You don’t have to wait for a new year to start over fresh. Everyone hangs all their hopes and goals on January 1st. New year, new me, new attitude. Right? Well, kind of. Sure, the change in the calendar year seems like a great fresh start and clean slate but that doesn’t mean the new year has to be the only time you embrace the new.

What about a new month? A new week? A new day? Every one of them is a chance to start fresh with a clean slate. Don’t hate Monday’s because it means life is back to the daily grind, love them instead because it’s a new week and a fresh start all its own. (I learned that from the group, too.) Just because it seems less impactful to pick a Monday, or even a random Tuesday in the middle of February, to start fresh doesn’t mean the energy won’t still be there to begin anew. There is absolutely nothing stopping you, or anyone else for that matter, to embrace the new day whenever you feel fit too.

Energy flows where intention goes, as they say.

So if your intention is to put aside the half-baked successes or complete flops in the middle of a random Tuesday during mid-February to start over with fresh eyes again, then you put aside the half-baked successes and complete flops from the last five weeks and you start over with fresh eyes. Fuel those fires instead of starving them. Find what makes them ignite and then cocoon yourself in the flames. Maybe it’s a type of music that fuels that passion and drive. Maybe it’s a certain practice that gives you the energy to conquer the day. Maybe it’s something slightly more involved like a vision board. Like this one…

Image Source: Morning Coffee With Dee

Whatever it may be that fuels your fire, use it to the fullest.

Now comes the part you don’t want to hear. You have to want it enough to actively work for it or you’re just going to keep standing still in a repeated cycle.

So that’s my advice for the week. Starting over doesn’t have to be terrifying. You can take from what failed and what kind of worked and rebuild from there with fresh eyes. Or you can completely scrap and begin anew. All that really matters is you make the goals manageable, you put the work in and give it your all, and you stay kind to yourself as you wade and stumble through the deep waters toward success.

Long story aside, this is me saying I’m starting fresh this week and re-igniting my drive for the things I want out of life. It starts with this blog, and from there it’ll be wherever the wind takes me in writing and college.

What do you need to start over on in the new week? Or, how do you revamp what’s only kind of working to make it more successful for you?

Looking Forward

I’m well aware this entire blog has been quite silent for a couple years now. 2017 was the last year in which I more consistently blogged, but even then I think it was more just #SnippetSunday hops toward the end of the year. In reality, ever since I started a full time position at the evil day job a few years ago now my motivation, time, and energy has been drained dry on a daily basis. It sucks. A lot. 

A few years back (consequently also back in 2017) I made a similar blog post here listing out my goals and resolutions for the new year. In complete honesty, I am downright horrible at sticking to goals and resolutions. I’ve probably said that before but I’m saying it again. A part of me has long since given up even making any. Something about this year feels a little different though. 

Perhaps it’s the fact it’s a new decade as well. Or perhaps it’s the signs I’ve been seeing that are telling me this is the year, my year. Or maybe it’s the fact that the other assistant manager at work finally took the plunge he’s been talking about for more than a year: up and quitting on January 1st because it’s time to get out and move on. He’s right, I’ve realized. I’ve spent the last six and a half years in a job that sorely underpays and works me to the bone. My passions have suffered for it. Writing. This blog. Even my other hobby loves like horseback riding have been sacrificed for something I don’t want to do the rest of my life. 

So, he’s definitely right. It’s time to get out. It’s time to actually make it happen. I hate change. More accurately I hate the anxiety of and the effort change takes, the time it takes to find a system that works again. But the system I am currently in has long since worked for me. I can’t stay in this one for very much longer. So it’s time to start job hunting for something new. Time to find a new routine that will allow me to keep up with my writing consistently and be able to enjoy life a little more again. 

For the time being I have, however, found a new trick that may allow me to get somewhere while I search for a new normal. I have always wanted to be able to take things on the go with me to do when I have stolen moments of free time at work or camping or anywhere else for that matter. I’ve never found an easy way to do that. Or I’ve never found I have enough stolen moments to make it worth it. Writing in small bursts on the go has never really worked out for me unless it’s random spurts of brainstorming. I seem to only be able to work efficiently on anything writing related if I am given ample time to sit down and actually be immersed in it. That’s why Camp NaNoWriMo and NaNoWriMo are good for me. It’s the consistency and fire under my ass that I need. Stolen moments don’t work for me and writing.

At least not novel and story writing.

You see, what I’m discovering is that maybe I can utilize those stolen moments of lunch in some other way. Maybe I can use those stolen moments to read. (I seem to have pledged myself to the 2020 Goodreads Reading Challenge.) Or maybe I can use those stolen moments to work on blog posts. See where I’m heading with this?

Ever since I fell off the grid here I’ve been telling myself “what if I forget about a blog schedule of any kind and simply just put something out once a week? Doesn’t have to be a specific day, doesn’t have to be a specific set of posts, just something once a week.” I thought about it a little more, and then thought about it some more. While I hate being inconsistent and not having a schedule to my blog posts I began to realize that perhaps, with the unpredictable retail job I have, that randomized once a week posts might actually be what suits my schedule best. I’m pretty sure I might have mentioned that at least once last year and then just never actually stuck to it, but again, this year feels different. 

So that’s the plan at least. Once a week, at any given time in the week, I hope to put something about something related to writing or books or gods only know, released here. I spent the last several days of the new year tinkering around with ways to effectively do this and my working in progress solution has come out to be stolen moments, my fairly neglected Kindle, and a bluetooth keyboard allowing me to type and write in odd places while offline. This way I can have things down and all I have to do later is connect to the web, share to my laptop, edit up the post, and click publish. That’s exactly how I’ve written this post, in fact. We shall see how it goes.

For those of you writers out there faced with evil day jobs that suck up all your time and energy too, how do you find the systems that work for you to still pursue your passions?

Finding Topics

Blessed Summer Solstice, folks!

It seems like just yesterday it was the start of spring and here we are already at the longest day of the year. I hope many of you get to enjoy the beautiful weather and extended light, I unfortunately have work. It sucks to think the days are going to start getting shorter already. Didn’t the nice weather just start?

Solstice aside, I didn’t get a chance to write and post my first helpful post last Friday. Lots of things got in the way and I lost track of time, and at that point after finally deciding what I’m going to go forward doing from this point on, Morgana struggled to come up with a topic to babble about.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about it though. I’ve started a list of topics that I can use for those posts — including things like the benefits of Camp NaNo and NaNoWriMo, where to find inspiration, brainstorming and outlining and world building — and whenever something strikes me that I can use I add it on. It’s not a long list yet, but it’s growing slowly.

Other than my brainstorming for topics, I have failed to be productive at all this past week. I’ve had the want to be productive, but not the will and motivation it seems. I suppose the want to be productive is a good start though considering my past weeks. If only I can get myself moving on the actual act of being productive now that’d be great.

I do seem to have decided what I’m doing about Camp NaNoWriMo in July though, and it’s not going to be my normal kind of decision. (I believe I’ll explain more next week about it.) We’ll see how this decision works out because I want to be able to start the project before Camp starts just to get a feel for how it will go, and if I can manage to make it work. Hopefully I’ll be able to have a chance to start before Camp, but at the same time… The rest of this month is a giant clusterfuck of things going on. If I’m not working, days off will consist of not being home to get any work done. Go figure, right?

(I’m mostly blaming the Evil Day Job because I’m about fed up to my eyeballs with all the bullshit going on there.)

As long as I have some opening shifts next week I should be able to manage it, but, you know, for whatever reason I’m getting the short stick for the past month or so and only getting closing shifts which leaves me NO time to get anything done at home, so who knows what I’ll really end up with.

For now I will do what I can I suppose, and try not to throttle anybody in the process. I should have the time to write and schedule a post for Friday this week now that I have some topics to use. I’m undecided about writing a Shard this week so I’m not sure if there will be a Wednesday post just yet. If the prompt gives me an idea by the end of the night perhaps I will write something for it and post again, but in the meantime I do have a question for my dear readers.

Whether you’re an author, a publisher, a writer as a hobby, a journalist, or a reader, or anything at all; when it comes to stories, writing, and everything in between, what kind of topics do you want to hear about, and maybe learn something about? What kind of suggestions can you give me for a topic to write about that’s a little more informative than just my rambling? It can be anything from involving characters to involving publishing to involving a certain genre or research or more. What do you, as my followers, want to see me post about from this field?

Changes Coming

It has been a month since I have posted anything. I am neither apologizing for that or explaining why I have been absent this time. This year has been a trying roller coaster in many forms, most of which have been downhill drops. Not the fun kind of downhill drop either.

A lot changed for me toward the end of last year. I became a published author and began to follow that dream further. It’s amazing how quickly the high of an accomplishment such as that can die, and it’s also amazing just how quickly it can all go up in smoke. A lot changed last year, but this year even more has changed again, and still must change.

For that reason I am switching things up on this blog now, and I plan to finally redo a lot of the pages as I had wanted to in the beginning of 2017.

Originally, I had created this blog two years ago as an author platform to help get my name out there, to be able to log my journey and look back one day to see how far I’ve come. As I’ve gone along though I’ve realized it’s hardly been what I had hoped it would be, just like Wattpad.

Every author out there envisions this sudden huge following and fan group flocking to their work whenever they join something new like a website/blog, or a writing site, or a Facebook page, but very seldom does that actually seem to happen.

Maybe some people just get lucky, while others continually struggle to build that following — though not for lack of trying. To the people who grow and grow beyond imagination day after day and year after year, gaining a fan base of readers who actually interact with them, kudos to you. I wish I knew your damn secret.

I, however, have not been one of those lucky ones. I have never been a lucky one for anything in life, no matter how hard I work.

Since my lack of luck has hardly gotten me anywhere in two years of WordPress, and four years of Wattpad, I am changing the way I do posts here.

This blog will no longer be a straight diary-like journey of my writing and dream. I will not stop sharing my journey so that I can one day look back on it, but posts will be less about me, and maybe more about writing. As of now the idea in my head is to make one of my posts (either Tuesday or Friday) about what’s going on, and the other something more…informative or helpful. My hope is it will draw in some more readers, and maybe more interaction, but it doesn’t mean there will always be a post. Sometimes I may just not have anything to say anymore.

For now I am also forgoing Sunday Snippets. With the completion of the first draft of Fated to Darkness, as well as not much else in the works, or shareable in my eyes, at the moment, I have decided I am stepping away from it. It wasn’t like I was getting very much support from the group anyways, despite the fact I was a supporter of everyone’s snippet at one point, regardless of the fact they visited my blog or not. Maybe that’s selfish or bitter of me, but I’m tired of not feeling good enough and forgotten. No one’s even noticed I’m gone. Perhaps I will go back to it one day when I feel I have something again to share, or if I feel like trying again to see if anyone cares, but for now I am done with Sunday Snippets.

Lastly in regards to my posts, I am undecided if I will continue my Shards on Wednesday’s from P.T. Wyant’s Wednesday Word prompts. A part of me wants to because flash fiction is a good writing excercise and some of them are really fun. The other part of me though is a bit worn out worrying about getting one written and posted when I never know what that day is going to bring thanks to my job. Not to mention, again, they hardly ever garner any kind of feedback or interest, even on Wattpad. Perhaps they will pop up here and there, or maybe I’ll write some whenever I have time and those posts may be sporadic little treats instead — probably not considering I’m a tad OCD, but I am undecided if I will truly continue them or not.

For these reasons, I will be changing how I use Wattpad too, and my author page on Facebook. I have no idea where I am really headed now concerning my dream, this blog, or anything else, but I do hope those of you who follow me will stick around to find out with me.

Finding My Way: An Apology and an Explanation

It’s been weeks since I’ve posted anything, and for that I apologize to my followers who pay attention to most or all of my posts. The last few weeks — month is more like it — have been really rough, and to be completely honest, I lost my will and passion for a lot of things. For awhile my mantra was “what’s the point?” because I just…didn’t care. I was really down and defeated, for reasons I still don’t fully comprehend and understand.

To a degree, it’s still rough right now and every day is a constant battle with myself and life. I am far from perfect, and I have a lot of demons inside that tear me down. Sometimes I’m winning the war against them, but a lot of the time I’m losing. I can’t say it’s over and I’m back in full swing here, because I know it’s not over. This right now is a break in the overwhelming storm clouds, and I’m holding onto the ray of light shining through. There’s still a high possibility some days there will be no post even though there should be, and I hope that you’ll bear with me and care enough to stick around despite the chances of sporadic posts.

To be totally honest again, I haven’t done any writing in weeks.

I don’t think I can call it writer’s block, even though when I try to write I am staring at a blank page and a blinking curser. It’s not a writing block per say, it’s a…motivation block. It’s another I lost my will and passion to write, as well as my motivation to reach the goals I set out. Part of it may also be no inspiration right now, no creative juices flowing when there’s so much else weighing me down.

Whatever it really is holding me back, it’s hindered a lot more than writing, but I won’t get into that and spare you the dreary details. This is just something I have to figure out on my own this time, and I know it’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to come over night unfortunately.

On the other side of things, there’s a small beacon of hope and motivation bobbing on the horizon after weeks of oblivion. I’m trying to  chase it and catch it in my hands before it can disappear, but it’s a fickle thing and is easily snuffed out.

I’ve been thinking a lot of how I can keep my motivation, how I can push to keep my follow through from, well, falling through, and there is one thing I’ve finally come to realize that may help me.

There’s all these author’s posts I see popping up on Facebook lately — some I know and others I don’t — of them getting excited over new releases of theirs, throwing release parties and giveaways, and just all around joy to have typed the words ‘The End’ on another novel. When I see them I find myself wondering how they do it. How can they put out these novels so quickly, and so…easily it seems? Especially when I struggle so much on mine.

When I think of that and read their elation in their posts I remember my first taste of pure elation to publishing news. That first taste that I will never forget was the email that read Embermyst had been accepted for the anthology last year in August. I will never forget the overwhelming joy that coursed through me, the smile I couldn’t wipe from my face for days, the squealing, screaming, laughing I did out of excitement, or the tears of happiness. It is by far one of the best days of my life, and I have very few of them.

So when I see these author’s posts, and I remember my own elation from months ago, a desire suddenly begins to grow rapidly within. A desire that is so easily lost and stunted that if I don’t grab hold at the first prick of sensation, it will slip away again into the darkness of self doubt and despair.

It’s the desire that screams at me “I want that to be me next time”. I want that post, that elation to be me again. I want to be able to scream to the world I finished a novel, or another story. I want to be able to shout from the rooftops that I managed to push through the hard work of editing and am ready to send it off in hopes of getting another acceptance letter or email. I want to be able to plan a release party and actually build a fan base where people will show their support of my writing and be as excited as me about the release because they want to read it. I want to be able to hold my published book in my hands and be able to tell myself “I. Did. It.”.

That is all I want. That is my only dream anymore. So when I see those posts, and I feel that desire, suddenly I want to write again. If I don’t sit down and write right then and there, that desire starts to trickle away and I struggle once more to pick myself back up and do the work.

How then, can I find a way to replicate that sense of determination and purpose? How can I turn that split second of motivation into something that lasts and carries me through the hard work and self doubt? How do I turn that into my beacon of hope in which I can pull myself through the darkness with all the way to the light?

Those…are unfortunately the answers I don’t have yet. Just thinking about it helps a little, but it’s not the same as that first initial reaction to reading one of those posts.

As part of my Path, I know there is balance in life. That nothing is strictly one way or the other, but instead many shades of grey. Yin and Yang. Without balance there is chaos. I have been unbalanced for a long time now, in many forms, but only recently have I finally accepted that. I spent so much time trying to stay one way, trying to stay this person I wanted to be, that I ended up ignoring what yanks me away from that fantasy and dismissed it. For in a way, it was a fantasy, an illusion. Like I was living a lie. In reality, I should have never dismissed what my instinct was trying to tell me, but I was too afraid to listen, too desperate to finally feel okay and mean it to face those harsh and ugly truths screaming at me.

Part of me knows the only way I’m going to find the answer to my questions is if I find my balance again. I had it once for the first time in my life, years and years ago, but it was shattered not long after I found it. Except, finding that balance is a lot easier said than done, and it’s something only I can do. Perhaps there will be spots of guidance along the way, but ultimately only I can walk this path to find my answers. I can’t have the outside world muffling what’s inside me trying to speak.

Maybe this all sounds like a whole lot of spiritual mumbo jumbo, maybe it sounds cheesy and fake to you or even cliché. But I’m not you, and you aren’t me. To each their own, they say.

Some days will be harder than others. Some days I may fight with my final burst of strength for the day and I still won’t come out victorious against the demons when I close my eyes to sleep. Other days I may be able to move mountains and scare off the demons as if I am the Devil himself they fear.

This is me right now, but I don’t want it to be me forever. I just have to find my way.

It will not be swift when the war finally ends, it will be a long and tedious journey with steps forward and retreats backward. It will not be easy in any sense, it will be a battle well fought. But then again, they do say the things that are worth it in the end are never easy.

Distractions

They get in the way. They always get in the way.

My last couple days have been nothing but distractions, half of them the pleasant kind and the other half the by-the-Gods-I’m-going-to-flip-the-hell-out kind.

Have you ever realized that when you tell yourself you’re going to sit down and write, and then you do sit down, you end up finding a million other things you could be doing? Then they nag and nag until you end up wandering off to one of them and totally forget about writing?

That was me pretty much all day yesterday. I knew I had to get through blog hops and try to set up PayPal again, then I’d be free to write I thought. Right? Wrong.

I got through the blog hops, and I tried PayPal for the third or fourth time in the past two weeks, and then I find out it still won’t flipping work. Eventually I got to the point in which I said “screw it” and once more emailed customer support of PayPal none too nicely. The reply message back I got today hasn’t made me any happier. I’m an introvert, I do not like talking on the phone, I do not want to have to call to sort this mess out, but I’m being told it’s the only way.

So, that soured my mood to begin with.

By that point I knew I should have started writing but instead I had the urge to work on revamping this blog, doing some more of the drafts for pages. Then I had the urge to ask my anthology coordinator from VTP if I could publish part of Embermyst to Wattpad since I hadn’t last year with everything going on at the time.

Needless to say I ended up asking that question and then went off searching the Wattpad threads for a cover artist for Embermyst. I filled out a form to someone to start the ball rolling and thought, “Great! Now I can go write!”

Did that happen?

Of flipping course not.

Instead, I found myself setting up part of the story so I can post it to Wattpad as soon as I got a cover. (And now that I’m talking about it, I find myself drawn back to finding other cover artists. *Sigh*)

After that I began thinking about revamping some of my blog again, then I thought about revamping my Wattpad profile, and then some of my Wattpad stories, and then and then… Then it hit me and suddenly I’m just like, “Wait… Am I only doing this to put off writing?”

Honestly, that seems to be part of the reason why I’m getting so off track. Wanna know how I know that? Because I no longer have a deadline on Clockwork Heart to be pushing myself to write, because I want to start working on Fated to Darkness again, but also because working on Fated to Darkness requires some reading to get back into it and remember where I’m at. Soooo….

Yeah, I seem to be putting off the reading, and I also seem to be sidling away from Clockwork Heart work. Which is dumb. It’s all dumb. I should be writing regardless.

Somehow I need to kick my ass into gear and start writing. I’ve got three days off coming up after tomorrow — thank the Gods because today has been absolute hell and tomorrow isn’t going to be any better. (Damn you mother nature for shaking the snow globe, and damn you technology at work. *Shakes fist at the world*) If I don’t get any writing done in those three days someone better dangle my ass over the pits of Hell until I start writing feverishly again. I need words on a page, and the blog page doesn’t count for this.

Freedom To Write

I’m finally freeeee!

And by free I mean the Hell Seasons of work are finally over! Hooray!

Well, the worst of the Hell Seasons are over — Black Friday/Christmas and inventory — there’s still one other Hell Season left: Easter. And from there everything just kind of starts rolling like a snowball down a giant hill until before you know it it’s freaking Black Friday again and you want to tear your hair out once more. So the next two months-ish are my only downtime in retail.

Which means lots and lots of time to write, right?

Hopefully.

I have begun working out drafts for redoing my blog tabs and information, and I know I said I wanted (wow that’s a tongue twister, too many I’s) to have that completed by the end of January, but, well, we’ll see how it goes. I’m starting a bit late on it.

A lot of things got messed up this month already so I’m not quite sure what is happening. I’m still working on Clockwork Heart some, and I meant to pull up Fated to Darkness today but haven’t gotten to that just yet.

On Wednesday I did finish up the first Chapter of Clockwork Heart, for the most part. It may end up expanding a bit when it comes down to editing yet now that I don’t have  definite word limit, but for rough draft sakes it’s completed. I’m also trying to not leave myself a billion notes in this story as I’ve been doing in FtD so it won’t take me as horribly long and so much of a headache to edit. That is slowing me down a bit in writing, but ought to be worth it, right?

Unfortunately, I sort of wasted my two days off a little in accomplishing any writing. Yesterday was pretty much a lazy me day, because I really needed one of them. I even took a nice hot shower by candlelight with some music. (I wanted it to be a bath, but my tub is not clean enough for that right now.) I’m not regretting the laziness for a change, but I wish I would have at least done some writing yesterday.

Today I was a little more productive. Though it was mostly playing catch up on a few little things than it was doing any writing. I was going to start the writing after this blog post, which has taken me much longer than it should have. (Someone almost forgot Sleepy Hollow was on tonight, and someone also got distracted with some fun RPing events. Whoops…)

BUT! Now that the blog post is out of the way and I have nothing else to catch up on, I can head off to do some writing or draft some more on the re-working of this blog!

This is what freedom must feel like for a writer, I can’t believe I’m actually caught up to things. It’s amazing!

Before I dive into that freedom and swim around in it with a smile, I think I better find some food first. Because, you know, writers tend to forget to eat when working on things. We’re weird like that.

Patterns, Sanity, and an Author’s Mind

So, guess who forgot that they needed a blog post until an hour before midnight again?

*Raises hand*

Yep, me. I’m such a ditz when it comes to remembering these things anymore. Or, rather, I remember I need a post for all of five minutes and then POOF! Suddenly the thought is gone and the next thing I know I’ve either missed it or I’m scrambling to get one in on time.

Didn’t I say “later” was a word I wanted to stop using, too?

Part of my problem is work, of course. The other part of the forgetfulness is the fact I hardly ever know what the hell I’m writing about until it becomes another rambling post, such as this one is turning out to be, because I’m running out of time to think of something concrete to talk about.

Are you seeing a pattern in this? Because I am.

Hmm… Patterns…

Maybe that’s my issue, and also my solution.

Perhaps my problem of never knowing what to write about stems from the fact I have no patterns to work off of. And by patterns I mean the struggle of getting myself moving on the things I want to do so I can create a habit or pattern. If I was more consistent in my work and writing and all that good stuff, I bet I would be stumbling across all sorts of topics I could talk about and I wouldn’t have this issue.

So perhaps my problem — a lack of patterns — is also my solution:

Finding a pattern that works for me and sticking to it.

Easier said than done, I know, but hey, it’s a start at least.

In other news, I did get my butt moving some more the past two days and managed to write. I think I’ve added about 1.8k to Clockwork Heart over the last two days. I was hoping for a LOT more — considering I was off yesterday — but I just kept getting really distracted in completely odd ways.

(I’m quite sure on a scale of 1 to 10 in hyperness — 1 being completely meh and 10 being a puppy on speed — I was probably a 20. I’m also quite sure my friends thought I was a lunatic yesterday for the fact I was laughing hysterically over saying one simple word, or one simple thought, or even just one simple look, or even over nothing. Hell, I was seriously questioning my own sanity for a good couple hours, and I’m an author! I know I have very little sanity to begin with!)

So I didn’t manage to get to the end of Chapter 2 on the story like I had hoped for, and I’m not even done with Chapter 1 — though I’m close. On the bright side, I had two little bits of scenes yesterday that had me laughing my ass off for a good five minutes each. (I hope they weren’t just funny because I was cuckoo crazy off life at the time.)

Picture this: a character who can’t feel or understand any kind of emotion and who is pretty much just robotic in the terms of living because they aren’t human trying to explain the “death” of their kind like it is simply taking a walk in the park.

It came out both eerily disturbing and completely hilarious in my opinion. I’m not going to spoil how though, and I’m not going to spoil the other bit that had me laughing. Wait, the other two bits that had me laughing. I forgot about one.

I’m thinking this story is going to shape up quite interestingly, and it’s turning into a lot of fun, which makes me want to write more. And more. Then work gets in the way, and GAH!

I’ll figure it out, as long as I can fend off the new idea jumping around my head from a description a Sleepy Hollow character gave me tonight.

Seriously, is there ever an off switch for the writer’s mind?

Four More Days

Just four more…

Four more days of holiday madness and it’s finally over. (Technically three since I’m off tomorrow, although I won’t be able to just chill, so yeah, four more.)

I’m so ready for this season to be over, I’m exhausted. Then again, as soon as this one ends I have to deal with another three weeks of inventory madness, sooo… I guess the four more days doesn’t matter. I won’t get a breather until at least January 17th.

And if I don’t start getting downtime until then, I am going to be super screwed on writing that submission kicking around in my head. I still haven’t had a chance to just sit down and brainstorm or outline anything for it. If I don’t get to start on it till the middle of January that only leaves me a month to write and edit it.

Granted, that’s more than I had for Embermyst, but I think this one is going to end up being a bit longer than Embermyst was so I’m gonna need more time. Plus it’d be nice to not be stressing over the deadline.

Hopefully once this week is over and done with, and next week probably, I’ll have a little more time to myself. At least after this week I won’t be worrying about being ready for Christmas.

Speaking of which, I’m so not ready for it. I mean, I’m ready for it to be over, but I’m not ready gift wise.

Yesterday I got screwed in doing one of my gift projects. I was going to do it before work so it could sit and dry until tomorrow morning. Well, just as I’m about to start it I get a text asking if I can come into work early because we had two call offs. So I went in early to work, and also ended up staying late because I was short handed and the boss’ boss’ boss was supposed to be in today. (Needless to say, he never showed. Go figure.) By the time I got home it was after 1am, and I still had to do my project so I stayed up till almost 4am for the second time this week.

Hopefully since I lost a good twelve hours drying time it’s still ready to be jarred up by tomorrow morning or I’m going to have a problem. I need it to be dry by tomorrow morning because it’s my only day off and pretty much last chance to run errands before Christmas considering my Thursday shift may be screwed now too. (Gotta love last minute changes by corporate. NOT.)

I still have a few gifts I need to get; which will again be done tomorrow. Then I still need to finish two other gifts. And I still need to wrap everything. Then tomorrow is also Yule so I want to switch decorations around, and bake cookies, and I have to wrap at least a few gifts to give out tomorrow night. And, and, and…

And I’m ready to wave the white flag. I think I’m going to have very little sleep the rest of this week, and probably most of next week too from what I know of that schedule already. I guess I better go get moving on finishing Christmas gifts, like the giant poster I need to color that will take me forever.

Never any rest for the wicked, er, weary.

Four more days… Just four more days.

Crap, that also means I only have four more days to get all of this done.

Sort Of Goals, Holiday Madness, and NaNo Down Spiral

So for awhile I totally forgot it was Tuesday and that I needed a blog post. It doesn’t feel like Tuesday to me. The worst part is I had no idea what I was even going to write about, and honestly, I still don’t really know so this could be a very well bullshitted blog post before my clock ticks down to midnight in 48 minutes and I miss this post.

I told ya’ll to stop back on Tuesday to see if I had any idea on December goals yet. Yeah, well, I still really haven’t gotten a clue on them. Considering it’s the maddened holiday season and I work retail, I’m pretty much going to say my only goals for this month are to survive the next two months (January is inventory and another mess of shit going on at the same time) and to hopefully finished Fated to Darkness finally.

As of right now, the finishing the novel could be stretching it. I forgot how badly the holiday season drains me, especially being an introvert.

I don’t have many days off or downtime in which I can just chill and write without worrying about other things I need to do. I’m pushing more hours this year because of the other store I have to help out since they’re shorthanded. Not to mention corporate is pushing more freight into our store then they were last year so we are busting our asses and still not staying very up to date. We just keep sinking behind.

But, you know, no one wants to work graveyard shifts to get more of a freight crew in to help either… Go figure.

It’s only been about two weeks of the total madness since Black Friday hit, but already I am wearing thin, and one day off at a time is not going to cut it for me to recuperate and push through the next few weeks. And like last year, I could be working seven, eight days straight again with only one day off before who knows what the next round.

I’m working a lot of morning shifts too, which is great for the ability to do some things after work that I can’t do on days I have the long close shifts that take up my entire functional day. But I’m not a morning person, so they are wearing on me that much more by being up early so many days. Ya’ll know by now I’m a total night owl.

Believe it or not, last night I was actually in bed and asleep before midnight. Normally I’m lucky if I’m in bed and asleep before 1am. If that doesn’t say something on how much the madness is taking out of me I don’t know what does.

The other downside to working mornings is by the time I do get home, I don’t want to do anymore work. I just want to sit and relax for at least a little before I have to do it all over again the next day. It kills motivation, and the madness itself just kills energy.

So with the way work is going already, I don’t know if I’m really going to get that novel finished. I would love to, I want to, but if I try for it like I did for NaNo, I could really be burning myself out before January hits and the new inventory madness rears its ugly head. Then I’ll really be a walking zombie by February.

Ahhh… February… Is it February yet?

So really I have no idea what’s happening this month. I’m not even sure if I should bother with the goal plan because I’m pretty sure it won’t happen, but then I’ll get disappointed in myself that I didn’t finish this novel like I wanted to this year…

It’s really just a never ending cycle and the only way to cure it for me is to have a separate NaNo every single month so I can’t just slack off and back out again as I do every single non-NaNo month. Because, you know, it’s been one week since NaNo ended and I haven’t written another word yet. I rest my case.