Emotions-5, Daelyn-O

Well I did it.

I took the biggest plunge of my life in my writing so far and submitted the short story to the anthology at about 1am on Saturday. (To me it was still Friday but according to the clocks it was Saturday.)

I am still terrified.

Literally, after setting up the email and attaching the Word doc, I stared at the send button for a good ten minutes unable to breathe before I finally managed to hit that little button. I’ll admit, I had to close my eyes and hold my breath to do it, along with a little kick in the ass from some friends, but I did it finally. I’ve been freaking out off and on ever since then.

Yesterday I had a panic attack over it when I got an email from the coordinator (after I had been asking a few questions so they knew I was submitting one) asking me if I had sent in my submission. For some reason, her email wasn’t showing it at all. It was in my sent mail, it was the right email address it went to and all, yet somehow she didn’t get it. Thankfully, I was allowed to forward the email a second time and she got it after a few hours of panicking on my part.

Of course, that doesn’t change the fact I’m still freaking out.

You know how when you submit to something like this you think it’s going to take maybe a month or so before you hear back about your submission? Seems logical, right? They have how many submissions (I really don’t know how many they have and I don’t want to know unless I’m accepted) to read and their own personal lives and such. So I thought a month would be a reasonable amount of time before hearing back.

Ha, yeah, nope!

Imagine my shock over the email I got back in saying they received my submission and I’d hear back by the end of next week, if not sooner, if I was accepted. End of next week! If not sooner! I was not ready to hear that, I think it only made me more terrified.

I expected I’d have a month of waiting with baited breath and now I kinda just got flipped upside down in shock. (I was at work when I read that email to, soooo…) I’m both excited and nervous as all hell to be checking my email for the next two weeks. Excited and terrified are pretty much my two dominant emotions in this.

Well, there’s also the fact this feels so, so surreal. Yes, I still can’t believe I’ve done this. I’ve been one whack-a-doodle since I hit that send button. One minute I’m terrified and repeating “oh my god” to myself while holding my head, the next I’m laughing and smiling like an idiot with giddiness, then I’m left day dreaming and I feel like I want to squeal, then once more I’m terrified and I can’t seem to breathe right, and then… Yeah, it’s just a repeating cycle of madness and roller coaster emotions right now.

In an attempt to get my mind off it and stop freaking out, I tried to dive back into Fated to Darkness on Saturday. You know, since it was neglected while I wrote this submission. I’m having trouble getting myself back into it. I was so focused on this submission and so panicky over it, that now that it’s actually over I’m thinking “now what?”.

Seriously, now what?

This is the first time I’ve ever put so much focus and work into writing and editing something. Alright, yeah, I’ve put A LOT of writing and focus into Fated to Darkness, but I haven’t done any editing on it yet so this feels…bigger.

Who am I kidding? This IS bigger.

At least, at the moment it is. I’m sure when I get around to editing FtD and then looking to get it published, it’ll be ten times bigger than a simple short story for an anthology being as this series is my absolute dream, but… Until that day comes along, this is bigger.

So now I just kind of feel…stuck. Lost. Grappling for what I’m supposed to be doing. I know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m supposed to be blog hopping and writing and trying to make my goals for August. And instead I’m just…bleh.

It’s been a really funky two days with a lot of unknown reasons for mood switching. As well as a lot of headaches. I don’t know what it is with me right now. Maybe it’s the shock and nervousness and terror of this submission that is screwing with me, but something is screwing with me majorly. I’m getting absolutely nowhere in everything, my emotions and life are winning every round right now, and beating me down into the ground.

Right now I just hope I find my equilibrium again and get writing on FtD, because I had wanted to get 20k added to it this month, and I’ve got about 4.5k instead so far. And because I was supposed to be writing a lot of journal entries for camping and I haven’t done a single one. And I hope I get accepted into this submission, because it would be a dream come true. And… *Sigh*

Why do I always seem to fall apart just when I think I’ve finally got myself on a good path? Am I psyching myself out? Just…why?