Last night at 2am I spent an hour writing before I headed off to bed. I had only meant to spend maybe a half hour, but as I got into the scene, my fingers were just itching to finally finish it so I didn’t stop until I had finished the scene, and coincidentally the chapter as well. I’ve been on this scene for what seems like forever now.
And I think that taking so long on this scene is partly what was deterring me last week, and just in general for a while. (Minus the computer crash that killed me end of last year.)
It’s not that this scene was hard. It wasn’t. It was more I was getting bored of being on it for so long. The large lapse of time I had from no computer really didn’t help the flow I had going, either. I partly forgot what I had written already, where things were going, and so forth. I do have notes written out in the document and on paper, but I still felt like I forgot some things as I’m quite sure the consistency of this chapter in relation to earlier chapters is going to need checked later in revisions.
This scene ultimately taking me so long is what dragged me down, and now that I’m past it, I’m ready to keep rolling with what comes next in the novel.
Of course, there is still the slight nagging voice and doubt in the back of my mind, the one that tells me “who is going to want to read this?”. With the help of two good friends’ advice and reassurance though, I have mainly managed to shove that voice down some dark hole with a grate over top it and plunge forward.
Because, ultimately, they were both right. I just lost sight of my dream for a short time. Maybe no one will read this someday, maybe I won’t get it published like I so desperately wish for. But either way, I’m writing this novel, this series, because I am the only one that can. Because there is a story inside me and it has to come out. I am writing it for me. For myself and the characters in my head screaming to be heard.
If I never get it published, then I at least still have the accomplishment inside me saying; “You did it. You actually finished a novel, a series.” And even if no agency wishes to publish me at first, I will keep trying until I either find someone who loves it or I decide to self publish on Amazon and all those other sites.
But I won’t give up on this. I will finish this novel. I will finish this first draft this year. I am excited again and that bubbly happiness and joy is kindling once more to move one chapter, one scene farther into the novel towards that last glorious line of the Epilogue.
I can do this.
So what’s next?
Keep writing of course!